and god said: "let there be light," and there was light.

i am making a blog entry, after a year of blogging silence, with no apology. someone wise said: you can't say everything, but SAY SOMETHING! lauren told me that, and it has revolutionized my writing and photography. so here are 2 images, 2 musings, that hopefully say something, or even better, ask something.

tonight, 3 hours 20 minutes ago to be exact, i watched the sun set over the pacific ocean. i was standing on a rock on the southwest coast of oahu. that rock is on a bigger rock that formed when melted rock welled up in the depths of the ocean, then instantly hardened when it touched water.

there is no place in the world that i feel more at home, more at peace than swimming in the ocean, and today i had the opportunity to paddle out at this very beach on a boogie board, float in the glassy green water and watch the sun descend. it has always fascinated me how water flows over the whole earth, and if i could swim far enough, or better yet sail, from where i stood tonight, i could get to any saltwater beach, excepting the ones that are frozen over in alaska and norway and russia.

but tonight i was on this particular beach, watching the colors morph across the sky and the sand, and i was overcome with light, color, shadows, reflections. i read something recently, or rather heard something read last week in a hawaiian elementary school gymnasium. it is from ecclesiastes:

"light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun"

it made me wonder if perhaps god made our bodies to thrive in the tropics? it really affects my whole outlook on life just to have the sun overhead! how is it that as sophisticated as human beings become, we are still tied to light, to heat, to water? we cannot live without these things any more than we can go without sleeping.

imagine, just for a minute, that you are this boy, sitting on your board, watching your friends ride the waves, and looking out at the horizon. what are you thinking about? in this still moment, on this beach you are free of your problems, the judgements of other people, free of pain and free of all fears. it is a minute that you will have only once, and nothing can touch it. where does your mind go when it is free? ok, the minutes over, you are back to your current lifestyle. did you miss it while you were gone?

where does your mind go when it is free? i wonder how differently this question would be answered by you, me, the boy in the picture, a man in jail, a pro soccer player, a monk, a dancer, a heroin addict, a 5 year old at kindergarten?

a good man

charlie lanker summer 2007, on the front porch of the house he built in 1947.  in those days before you married you had to build a place for the two of you to live.  so, grandpa built this house and married esther rhinehart by the fireplace.  

charlie was born on march 9, 1913, in the kitchen of the farmhouse over his left shoulder.  he likes to joke "i didn't get very far, did i?"  but he did get far.  for more than 80 years he grew the corn that fed america, and lately, the world.  he loved my grandma a lot.  he was not the same after she died in 1998.  it stretches my mind to think of the two of them stealthily climbing out a window and running under the moonlight during harvest season.  or watching lightning bugs from the porch late into the night.  i like this photo of grandpa because it portrays his dignity, poise, and determination.

 

charlie's famous wink.   grandpa's sister "aunt ruth" used to wink like this too.  who did they learn it from?  and who did THEY learn it from?  it could be that this wink came over from germany with the hessians, before the ohio valley was settled.  

here we are, charlie and mark, in summer of 2008.  i've seen alot of changes in him over the last year.  sometimes he makes me laugh, other times i feel very sad.  what i've learned this year is that its good to share the laughter and the tears.  charlie says to me, and i'll tell you, that when you are young and your lungs are good, and your body is strong, GO AND DO what you want to do, what matters to you, do something you will remember when you are 95.

the world is vast.

"the world is vast, and wide open"

i don't know why i'm thinking of it just now.  maybe because my mom and dad are in dubai.  we can go so far.  far from everything we know, covering immense spaces of not emptiness, but fullness, completely unwitnessed by human beings.  the old saying "if a tree falls in the forest..."  of course it exists!!!  i think that god is watching it, reveling in these experiments called land and sea.  there was a time when i thought all of this staggering splendor was just a chance happening, the ripples in the water just occurred that way, and there is no meaning behind it.  that world was grim.  in my best moments i conceive that there is more to this show than meets the eye, and probably more than i can ever fathom.  some people will say "you believe what makes you happy" and maybe that's true.  but i prefer living in a bright world, deep and enchanted.  [this is the north pacific ocean, off alaska]. 

fires to kindle

if you want to build a fire in the snow, start by finding a water barrier such as tarp.  otherwise, the heat will melt the snow and you will soon be in a puddle of water.

there are many good ways to arrange the fuel.  i prefer the cabin method for larger pieces, then paper or wood shavings inside.  the idea is to get the fuel up off the ground, and leave room for air to filter in between the branches.

in books, people describe ways to start fires with just sticks, or sticks and rocks, or bits of flint.  until i figure that out, i'll just keep a 50 gram lighter with me all the time.

like a fire, the body needs fuel, and like the body, the mind does too.

one of my close friends from virginia, randall chan, told me this, and i'll never forget it:

"the mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled!"

how to make orange juice

I just realized something.  the reason i so rarely blog isn't because i can't think of anything to write or i don't have any photos.  its because i wait for something "absolutely brilliant" to come along and hit me over the head with a shovel.  then i thought, what's wrong with my ordinary thoughts, the stuff that makes up 98% of life?  why does it have to be earth-shattering before i post on my blog?  well i think there are reasons why and lets talk about that sometime, but for now, i'm calling my own bluff.  i'm posting a simple picture that i simply like because it is full of colors and it was a great experience that i think you would enjoy.  

this is how you make orange juice.  its pretty much what you would guess!  here is my particular method which i found to be very effective.  it resulted in a delicious juice which i am drinking right now:

1) obtain ripe oranges.  i used florida navals and tangerines which scott and i bought from a roadside stand.  it is best if the fruit is soft, even on the verge of over-ripe.

2) cut an orange through its equator (the only plane that will not bisect the stem)

3) place the round part in the palm of your hand and squeeze hard.  harder.  ok.  let the juice run into a wide mouth container which has a lid you can seal.

4) once you have squeezed the liquid from the orange, hold the cut edges of the peel against each other and carefully cut the ragged pulp that is exposed away from the peel.  this will greatly improve the flavor and texture.

5) repeat steps 3 + 4 as many times as you like, or until the container is 3/4 full.

6) seal the container, and shake vigorously.  this will tear and mix the pulp, crushing fibers of orangy flesh against the walls of the container.

7) place in the refrigerator or other cool place.

8) pour the juice into a glass (on that is made of glass).  this step is important.

9) enjoy!

it was my dear friend a.s. from virginia who gave me a journal prior to a journey and reminded me not so save the pages for lofty thoughts... but fill it up with whatever fills up my head, no matter how earthy.  anyways this orange juice is incredible.  you should come on over an have a glass.

beauty of a different kind

anyone who knows me knows i love the ocean, the beach, the warm sand between toes, the numbing, repetitive rush of waves, the undulation of sea foam, the lying on a sheet under the stars on a deserted beach at midnight.  or surfing by the light of a full moon.  ok, i've got to stop before i start crying i miss the beach so much!  but what i started to say was, as breathtaking as the warm coast is... there is something equally grand about a fresh blanket of snow and a rich blue sky overhead.  have you ever noticed that shadows in the snow are never grey, always blue?  when taking this picture i was standing at one of my favorite places in the world.  many of you have been to that spot.  some of you have even juggled hot coals there.

some unidentified small animal aparently climbed out of the lake, up to the fire-ring, and then changed his mind and went back to the lake.

if you could perceive even half of the beauty that exists within one mile of you right now... i think your brain would explode.  if you have no idea what i mean watch amelie

the pathway

deep blue someday

this is how i feel about 2008.

the extravagant gesture

"the waters edge, version 2"

after work sometimes i go down to the river if there is still light.  one of my favorite quotes from annie dillard, from chapter one of "a pilgrim at tinker creek"

At the time of Lewis and Clark, setting the praries on fire was a well-known signal that meant, "Come down to the water."  It was an extravagant gesture, but we can't do less.  If the landscape reveals one certainty, it is that the extravagant gesture is the very stuff of creation.  After on extravagant gesture of creation in the first place, the universe has continued to deal exclusively in extravagances, flinging intracacies and colossi down aeons of emptiness, heaping profusions and profligacies with ever fresh vigor. 

 

THE WHOLE SHOW HAS BEEN ON FIRE FROM THE WORD GO.  I COME DOWN TO THE WATER TO COOL MY EYES.  BUT EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE FIRE;  THAT WHICH ISN'T FLINT IS TINDER, AND THE WHOLE WORLD SPARKS AND FLAMES.

not in ohio.

so, moment of honesty:  i feel like facebook is so hot right now, and blogger is losing steam... so i'm thinking about ditching this site, maybe.  we'll see.  maybe i'll make a new website for photos to replace this one.

celestial bodies

quick post.  at this moment 11/23/07 at 16:56, the setting of the sun is reflected in the 2nd story west-facing window of the apartment directly across from my east-facing windows.  

this morning at 5:50, driving west on perry township road 87, leaving my cousins' house, i saw the moon set over the now-harvested corn field.  it was the same color that the sun is now.  i don't think i have ever seen the moon set, or at least i never noticed.  annie dillard says that beauty happens all the time, all around us, but we are too blind, or too distracted, to see it.

i think she's right.  having seen twice in one day a ball of light, and a ball of reflected light, clearing the horizon, i feel like the world is in motion.  whether or not i feel it, i suppose it is in motion anyway.  

i'm going to put photos up on the blog again, i swear, since it is called "photomark".  they say that a picture is worth a thousand words.  it seems to me that underestimates the power of a word.  obviously i love pictures and images, but i also know for a fact that a well placed word can change the world, or a persons life, which is a fraction of the world.

if you are reading this, have a wide-eyed night!

being a one

there is only one year in your life that you can be a one, and this is my year.  i hear that as a two your experience is very different.  and a three?  that feels so far away i cannot even imagine it.  so here's how it works:  

you graduate med school, get a new plastic ID badge, a new pager, and everyone starts treating you differently.  you know roughly the same amount you knew as a 4th yr medical student, but now you get questions like "what you want to do about ms. X's blood pressure?"  "why is mr. Y tachycardic?"  "would you intubate this patient for me?" (a neurosurg attending asked me that the other day).  when you're a student the questions are more like this: "would you move out the way so i can take care of this patient?"  "would you stop asking questions so those of us who work around here could do our jobs?", or "go do a rectal on room 12"  ok, that last one was never a question.

i don't mind it.  actually in some ways i love it.  from the outside, a lot of people think hey you're a doctor so you must be an expert on everything going on with my body.  from the inside, i.e.  nurses who have practiced longer than i've lived, they must be thinking who is this hotshot kid?  more people than i can count have asked me this year if i've ever heard of doogey hauser.  yes, yes i have.  

so what i love about it is that you really are innocent until proven guilty.  if you know what you are doing, if you do a good job, as long as you don't kill anyone, most people in the hospital just back off and let you roll.  there are checks and balances of course, but still you could do a lot of good or a lot of harm.  i think what that fact does for me is it drives me back to the text, because i don't want to get it wrong and have a bad outcome for my patient.  also i love the sense of urgency, the right-now decisions.  its part of why i went into emergency med.  when i'm on call in the ICU, i am certainly not the most qualified person to make a decision.  the patient may be better off having a sec0nd-year make that call, or a 5th yr, or a fellow, or ultimately, an attending.... but i'm the one who's there at the bedside.  they know the literature, but i know the patient.

making mistakes is a part of life.  and certainly a big part of being an intern.  as far as i can tell, the function of teaching faculty is to let you learn from mistakes, and at the same time keep your from killing anyone.  and while making mistakes is natural, not learning from mistakes is fatal.  i've got another 2 1/2 yrs of more experienced docs looking over my shoulder, then it's gametime.  i can honestly say that at this point in my medical journey, i appreciate having people check me out in the sense of "why did put in that line?"  "why that antibiotic?"  because if i have no good answer to that question, then seriously, wth am i doing??  

my favorite question that attendings ask, mostly in the ED, is "so, what do you want to DO?" after i've spelled out what i think is wrong and why, it is the next logical question.  to act, and to act rightly, and to act quickly, is for me what it means to be a good doctor.  it is our actions that make patients well.  it is also our actions that can harm patients.  but, given the choice, i'd rather act more than less.   there are cases where no action is required.  those are the cases i hate.  i want to do something.  

this is a brief view of what it is like for me to be an intern.  i love what i'm doing right now. tonight, before typing this, i was watching a vascular interventional radiologist place a coil in the aneurysm of a girl who has blood on her brain.  without that coil, she would die.  it was such a rush.

if you've never watched the show "scrubs", rent season one.  it is the most accurate TV show about life in the hospital.  at least i think so.

one more grain of sand

everyone who writes online sooner or later starts a blog entry with an apology. so i guess its my turn. i hate excuses, so i'll just say it is fully my fault that i haven't written or shown any pictures since JUNE. also PC's suck. just wanted to throw that in there.

well i will very soon be joining the dwight schroot army of champions who use macs. i cannot wait! leopard is fresh and its looking good. mostly i'm excited about 2 things: aperature and ichat (video chatting). and hopefully with a good editing program and computer-web interface i'll have a much cooler and more frequently updated blog. i may just shut this dude down and start from scratch. we'll see. but in any case....

there are so many things to blog about i don't know what to say first. i realized that some of my last pictures were of mini newton, as i like to call him, and 2 weekends ago i saw that little rugrat again! cant wait to post some more current photos as soon as the mac arrives. yep, ben and lindsey came over and hung out at my apt, spent the night, and lindsey ran in the columbus half marathon and newt and i took sam on his first bike ride.

anyways, change of idea,

Jack Johnson song:

"if i could"
a brand new baby was born yesterday, just in time.
papa cried, baby cried, see his tears are like mine
heard some words from a friend on the phone
didn't sound so good
the doctor gave him two weeks to live
i'd give him more, if i could.

down the middle drops one more grain of sand
they say that new life makes losing life easier to understand
words are kind, they help ease the mind,
i miss my old friend
well if you gotta go just leave a piece of your soul
one goes out, one comes in.

so two important things happened in my life today. one of my patients died this morning. those of you who know me know that i'm a resident in the ICU at a hospital in ohio. i'm purposefully keeping this vague, for the protection of the patient, but suffice it to say that this has been for me a month long battle for his life. not just me of course, a great number of people have been working very hard to keep this man alive. the nurses in our unit are outstanding, as are the respiratory, surg, trauma, neuro teams... i could go on, but the point is brilliant hardworking people have been doing everything they could think of for the last 30 days, and yet..... in the end some live and some die. so there is that.

the other important thing. i called my big bro after work and he told me that i'm gonna be an uncle. scott and holly are pregnant! i am so happy for them and proud that i just cannot contain it. so i thought of jack johnson's song immediately. the two events were juxtaposed in my mind, but then i realized for the family of my patient, they saw only one, and for s + h, they also saw only one. they say that when you lose a beloved dog the best thing to do is get a puppy. maybe when someone dies their family should be paired up with another family that's going to have a baby. just an idea, but in any case i think.....

i think that we each need to be reminded as frequently as possible of two things: LIFE'S BREVITY and LIFE'S MIRACLE. neither one tells the whole story: yea, we're alive for now, and yea we're headed for the grave. this day, right now, the one you're using part of to read my blog, is the one you have to live. just do one thing for me, ok? do one thing tomorrow that you've been saving to do just before you die. you know, one of those things people say like "i wish i had told that person how much i respected them" or "i wish i had taken that roadtrip" or "i wish i had spent more time lying on my back looking at clouds" or "i wish i had seen U2 in concert". whatever it is, just do it man. i know its been said before like a million times, but not one of us is promised tomorrow. not you, not me.

if you need to be cheered up after my slightly depressing blog, you should surf on over to jodigirden.blogspot.com for a nice warm bowl of jodicuteness. (yes that's from the office) her latest story rocks absolutely. but seriously i hope it is not depressing for people to read this, but i hope it does spark somebody into action. after all, if we do not act, what will they write on our gravestones?

calculate, prepare, execute

so at the moment my computer is having seizures and will not run any photo viewing or editing software, so unfortunately no photos.

here's the photosets i have in mind to post:

friends in virginia

the parkers visit to norfolk

appalachian hiking with pete, tyler, austin, peter

moving to ohio, with thanks to andy and brian

first day as a doctor

fourth of july

here's a story of something that happened recently:

i found this awesome offroad biking site at Alum Creek state park, it is a great track, with lots of jumps and valleys where you slide down a bank, cross a 1 foot wide bridge, then crank up the other side. also there are fallen logs that you jump over. well my first time riding it, i approached a larger downed tree preparing to jump over it. except, at the last minute, i h e s i t a t e d, decided to lose some speed and take the jump more cautiously. at this moment my front tire froze against the log and my entire momentum went right over the front wheel. i'm sure it would have looked cool from a lateral view, but in my perspective i saw the sky, then the ground, then the sky again, then i felt and heard the metal-plastic snap as my bike landed right on my helmet with about the force that you would use to split a cord of wood with an axe.

there are several things i could take from this experience: one, keep wearing a helmet. it is not the first time it has kept me from being food for worms. two, and i think more importantly, is this: calculate what you must do, prepare, and then execute at full speed! jumping over logs cannot be done tenuously or with reservations, it is like yoda said "do, or do not. there is no try!" so on my second trip over that same jump, i changed my approach and went all-out, knowing that if i wrecked and broke bones at least it would be dramatic. and guess what? i sailed right over the top, with the thrill of beating an opponent that has beat you before. then once i had done it, i found it so easy and natural to jump over other trees. it was just a matter of confidence and committing fully.

starting residency has been fast and furious.... and awesome. its hard, but so far i love it. i've now done 6 shifts at the university hospital emergency room, and tomorrow a.m. i'll start at columbus children's, then the last part of the week myself and my fellow interns will take a two day course in "advanced trauma life support" which i'm looking forward to. (yeah i know i'm a nerd). there's so much more to say about life here in a new city, but i'll let the pictures show you all that.

streets of prague

i spent an afternoon at this one intersection of two cobblestone streets. i was listening to linkin park on my ipod and watching all these people walk by. i'll show you photos later of the people, but here is the place.

one thing i loved about prague is how much everyone walks, and all the bridges over the Vlatava river. i took the metro to Malostranska one rainy night and walked along the river. the sky really was this blue and the wet streets reflected everything.

here's brad kaspar. he's one of my best friends and the only reason that i knew czech republic would be so awesome. brad and i lived together in kay house in college, worked at honey rock for a summer, and have had some great road trips. he moved to czech two and a half years ago and lives on the czech-polish border in cesky tesin. a lot of people mistake him for a czech now because his language is really good and he just looks like one. anyways, suffice it to say brad is unusual: he lives life with more gusto than usual and he cares about knowing god way more than the usual, and i believe he is living a very full life. and brad makes everything more fun than it would otherwise be, because he takes chances and has an attitude of "go for it".

you'll be walking along, a streetcar will whiz by, you'll hear the rock music playing from bakeries and cafes, and in the middle of all these modern signs and sounds, you can look up on the hill and see castles! its so wierd. this one is prazsky hrad, where i think the king/president still lives.

ok, so the photos are finally up for this post... there's some kind of bug in the picassa-blogger transfer.

the newton clan

this is why i'm going to be an emergency pediatrician. his name's sam.

after new york, i headed west to lancaster, PA. if you've ever been there, its basically just like new york city, except way more farms, way fewer people, no subway, and everyone speaks english. or dutch. newton and i have been friends since the summer 'o 2001, when we led campers on wilderness hikes at deerfoot lodge in upstate new york. we both love the outdoors, and have made it a point to get out in the woods at least every couple of years... when life gets crazy, i can go in the woods with a friend like newton and it feels like i've stepped through a portal, outside of time. i sincerely believe that being out in the woods or on the water is central to the human experience, and we become impoverished without it. here's ben, lindsay, and sam, on their guatemalan hammock in the backyard. there is so much joy in their house that you cannot help but be warmed by it.

and here's newton loading up the car for our canoe trip... the canoe is one ben brought from deerfoot, so you know its been through it.

new york city

3 weeks ago I went to new york for the first time. i was really impressed by the subway system. i don't know who first thought of moving the people around underneath the streets of a city, but its just brilliant. it was friday night when i arrived in queens, where my friend amit lives, and i jumped on the purple line, following it by stadiums, apartments, fields, throught a tunnel, and into manhattan. there were 3 kids, i think siblings, on the train coming home from baseball practice. there were people coming from work, or going to work, or going to meet friends... and we're all here, together, in the train.

amit is an emergency physician at a hospital in flushing, (the most ethnically diverse zip code in the US) and a great guide who made my time in new york richer. on saturday we went all over the place, riding in the chinatown shuttle, the metro, and yes, a crazy taxi that almost made me throw up. here we are underground at astor place, amit perusing the New York Times.

living in the desert

i was surprised that in a place so dry and barren, life found a way to survive. also, when something dies in the desert, its skeleton decomposes very slowly, so you end up with these skeletons of plants and animals scattered among the the living.

the reason i went to the desert is to hang out with my friend brent at his family's house in scotsdale, AZ. many people do not know this, but brent has been riding motorcycles and dirtbikes since he was a tyke. but for me, it was the first time. obviously that is brent in the picture. i didn't manage any tricks, but i did fall off the bike a few times.

we had some great drives and some great conversations out on the highways in the desert. if you ever get a chance to hang with brent in AZ, go for it! you will not regret it.

just a scratch.

rain on christmas

christmas day, 2006, the rain poured down on ocala, florida

water and leaves on the glass of my accord

trauma: walking the line

for those of you i haven't talked to this month, i've just finished a rotation on the trauma service at our hospital. i truly loved it, felt so alive in this room, so buzzed. some thoughts on trauma:it is the #1 killer of people between the ages of 1 and 44 in america.
this is where they bring the broken, bloodied, beat up, crashed, and shot.
and we do everything we know to fix them up.
there is a line, sometimes narrow, between life and death.
as the trauma team, it is our duty and our priviledge
to take our patients by the hands, and lead them along this line,
no matter what happened, no matter whose fault,
no matter what time of the day or night. no matter what.

some of our patients lived this month, some died,
some will never walk again, some will never talk again, and some will.
it's not fair, it's life. it's the way it is.

light, water, and just being there

the movement of water has the power to still the raging mind, but requires the time to

l i s t e n a n d w a t c h.

this leaf was hovering above the lake in ohio in mid-october. it is now rapidly becoming soil, i am sure. things die, and we keep on living. photography is a matter of now-you-see-it-now-you-don't. "here i am" says the light, "catch me if you can." i think that 90% of photography is just showing up, and opening your eyes.

one of the fascinating things about water is its ability to be either a lens or a mirror, depending on your angle of approach. here the murky lakewater mirrors the rich blue sky above.

comment: At 1:54 AM, Bethuel said...

photography... the mind of a philosopher, the heart of a musician, the soul of a poet, and the eyes of an artist.